The Giving Tree

Another melancholy day.

Well, here I am, with a list of things I should be doing, but feeling 100% unmotivated to them.

Feeling rather alone today (well I am, but I mean really alone).

I have been blessed with innumerable "friends" but I lack a true one friend that will not judge or disappear when things get too serious or tense, or seek to help simply so they can be "in the know" or somehow "important".

Sadly, I know it's not just me. I am quite sure many folks have the same issue... friends you can trust up to a point, but when you are feeling emotionally "wacky woo", they disappear or they expect and want and take and don't listen to the deeper message you have been sending through your subconscious actions and words... too burdened with their own life's issues to be able to really help you with your's.

For anyone who has a true friend that you can spout ridiculousness to, burden with your problems, call on in time of need and yet they still stand true... Feel truly blessed and let the person know how much you appreciate them. You have a treasure there and I envy you.

Selflessness is so NOT a part of modern man's thinking. All of us are guilty of it. But it's saddening how we have really lost the ability to caqre, without wanting anything in return except for respect and consideration.

Often (and moreso today) I feel much like Shel Silversteins "The Giving Tree", except my humanity rears it's head occasionally in the form of spite, sharp tongue, detachment, et al. So, I guess I feel like a sharp, thorny "giving tree".

Really wishing I had my own "giving tree"... even if it may be a bit thorny.

Rube-icks circular thot.

Me thinks I have nothing terribly inspiring or deep to say tonight.

Feeling my typical restless, dissatisfied self. Not happy with my job, despite the fact it technically isnt a bad gig. I make good money, even if I don't get to bring home the majority of it... thank you taxes, insurance and child support system!

I just feel so empty doing computer work. I really don't like the infernal things, and despite the fact they have given me a good career thus far, I am really not that good at them.

Not a techie at all, just somewhat in tune with how user interfaces work and gifted by the creator with a smidgen of common sense so I could keep from over analyzing a situation and find the simple root cause. Ugh that hurt even to type.

Funny though, how I could simplify situations like that, to find a solution, but over time have done just the opposite in my life... I turn a simple mouse-trap of a situation into a Rube Goldbergian scenario where I add layer after layer of complexity until it truly becomes unworkable.

Sadly, either I am becoming old and unable to keep up with the times, or am beginning to allow these tendencies to seep into my work life... over complicating things to the point where I dont understand them anymore. I find learning new concepts more and more difficult, where before they would come naturally. Saddens me really.

I see friends with photographic memories... able to spit out facts and figures learned long ago and here I am... often times unable to remember the names of good friends, or people I have seen just the day before.

I cannot learn a lick of Spanish, despite our regular exposure to it, and trips to Mexico and Puerto Rico, but I can still speak German almost as fluently as I could at the end of 3 years of it in High School. Wo ist die Gedachtniskirche? Ich habe keine idee wo das ist. Gehen sie zum das tankstelle und fragt es. (almost)

Well, obviously the rambling shows some type of inspiration. Oh well...

I dunno. I just feel unmotivated by any job I can have that pays me enough to take care of my family - without going back to school for 4-6 years and surrendering every waking moment of my time, putting us terribly in debt and missing the bulk of my daughter's childhood while I work and go to school. But then, I'll start at the bottom of any ladder I may choose to climb, and be shackled to the debt and lack of a relationship with my wife and daughter... so, would I be any better off?

ugh.. see? Rube damn you!!

I guess I am just lazy... at least that is the American 'tude' speaking. I should have a stiff upper lip, trudge on and one day derive some satisfaction from the fact I quietly perservered and served my employer well.

Alas, I am just a whiny lil so-and-so and should get the "F" over it huh?

Another year...

As I near 39, and enter my final 12 months before I turn 40, I realize I still don't know so much about life.

Chronic over-thinker that I am... I have watched the inauguration of President Obama and wonder... What makes us stop striving to be more? Obama is in his 40's and has been a community activitist, President of the Harvard Law Review, an Attorney, a teacher, a State Legislator and a Senator.. now he is President.

When do we reach the threshold where we say... "OK, this is good enough. I am ok from here forward. I am happy being a (insert career here) and am satisfied with my impact on the world. "?

Is there some lesson learned earlier in life that convinces us we have a target for our lives? Parents, Teachers, theFriends We Keep?

What makes one man become an architect of grand structures, or a surgeon saving lives, while most of us are content with being a mid-level computer programmer or a retail store manager?

Is it fear of responsibility... TRUE responsibility? Is it a lack of belief in ourselves and our ability to meet those responsibilities?

Maybe it's just contentment with achieving a level of financial "success" where we can buy the trappings of consumerism and endenture ourselves to banks and corporations, but believing we really don't deserve to have much more?

I wish I knew the answer... maybe a few more glasses of wine, an Advil for this headache and a good night's sleep will give me new perspective tomorrow.

G'night.